My lover Frankie loves spaghetti, whereas I prefer macaroni. Does that make us incompatible?

Dear Incompatible,

You eat the macaroni and let him have the spaghetti. Then if he runs out of spaghetti before you run out of macaroni you'll have more to eat. If you run out of macaroni before he runs out of spaghetti, you won't be as overweight as he is and you'll be able to find a new lover. Dear Dr. Dan,

I am a 37-year old sadomasochist from Sacramento. I prefer S, though I will settle for M on a slow night. Last Tuesday I was at the Dull Razor Blade, wearing my keys on the right, my bandanna flung to the left, and three copper rings on my right pinkie. During the evening I caught athlete's foot, had three tips refused by the bartender, my two upper front teeth filed down, and a stein of dog urine poured into my goose-down wind breaker. What am I doing wrong?

Dear Wrong,

Nothing, it was just one of those slow nights. Dear Dr. Dan,

Last week somebody I never met before in my life was fucking me in the trucks, when suddenly the engine started and we were carried speechless onto the Staten Island Ferry. Hastily climaxing, we discovered that we were both too frightened to sneak out, and finally arrived three days later in San Antonio. Are gay people shyer than straight people? (The weather's great down here!)

Dear Antonio,

No, but they're less brash about it. Dear Dr. Dan,

Why can't gay people find meaningful relationships?

Dear Relationships,

They don't try hard enough. Anyway, it depends on your definition of "why". Dear Dr. Dan,

Where do babies come from, and why can't modern medecine fix it so gay people can have them too?

Dear Too,

Women who are homosexual, ie. thesbians, are gay people just as much as men are (who are homosexual, I mean). Futhermore, they can so have babies, even if they choose not to. Therefore the premise of your question is totally invalid. Also, you mispelled "medicine." Dear Dr. Dan,

Can cock rings cause cancer?

Dear Cancer,

Yes, but only in laboratory mice. Dear Dr. Dan,

My boy friend, Salvatore, always brushes his teeth before he kisses me. This in itself doesn't bother me, as he sometimes does have bad breath. However, he insists on bringing his toothbrush and toothpaste kit with him wherever we go. If we're necking on the pier, he'll start brushing in front of perfect strangers and their pets. It's so embarrassing.

Dear Embarrassing,

This is a question less often asked than many of the questions I receive, yet more frequently asked than many of the other questions — some of which don't even get to me. Contrary to the image that straight people have of us, gay people usually are very neat and clean. So don't chastise Salvatore (or Sal, if your relationship has reached that level of intimacy) for wanting shiny teeth. Would you rather be necking with an orangutan? They don't even wash their hands after going to the bathroom. Come to think of it, they don't even go to the bathroom! But if it gets to be too much for you, one up him by offering penis deodorants to his buffet pals. Dear Dr. Dan,

So where is this Warehouse anyway?

Dear Anyway,

Don't ask. I could refer you to the literature on this, but I won't. Dear Dr. Dan,

Is it true that they have machines that will jerk off an adult male? I am an adult male.

Dear Jerk,

Yes, but it's easier to do it with your hands. Just grip the stem and twist. As soon as the connective tissue weakens, it will come right off. Dear Dr. Dan,

What causes a hardon?

Dear Hardon,

This is one of the great unsolved mysteries of modern biological science, as well one one of the perennial delights of today's gay scene. Nothing is quite as lovely to the contemporaneous gay male — or as baffling to the average overworked family doctor — as the sight of a limp penis unexpectedly swelling, lengthening and hardening. However, we all know what a hardon causes, don't we? Dear Dr. Dan,

All my life I've loved wearing colognes. Sometimes when I was little I'd spray my sister's perfume under my arms and lie in my bed breathing. Last week my friend told me that perfume is made out of whale phlegm. Is that why?

Dear Phlegm,

You need help. Dear Dr. Dan,

What does a hardon cause?

Dear Cause,

A hardon causes one or more of the following: 1) the act of love, 2) acute embarrassment, 3) salivation, 4) salvation. Dear Dr. Dan,

This question is very personal, which is why I must ask you not to print any telltale nickname which might reveal my identity to my friends. I am having an affair with a simply wonderful man who refuses to swallow my semen. I have explained to him that I cannot achieve total emotional satisfaction unless he does, but he claims that my semen tastes like rubber bands. (In fact, it tastes very much like spinach.) His name is Howard Hamilton, he lives at 1332 Rosedale Avenue in the Bronx, and his telephone number is 832-7468. How can I show him how wrong he is?

Dear Popeye,

Here's what you do. First, drink three bottles of his favorite soft drink before having sex. If that doesn't work, have him line his throat with tin foil. This will also protect him from Martian death rays. If that doesn't work, tell him he's not worthy of a relationship with you. That will work. Dear Dr. Dan,

I've heard your nickname is Dingle or Dingbat or something. So did they name dingleberries after you?

Dear You,

Dingleberries were discovered in Holland in 1683 by my great great great grandmother, Darette Dilthey Dingle III. Her nickname was Dizzy. They have since become one of Europe's most popular perennials. Some years later she married Pius Potamus Popper IV, whose nickname was Poppy. She changed her name to Dingle-Popper, he to Popper-Dingle. Her grandson Charles dropped the hyphen in a haystack and was never able to recover it. Incidentally, her great aunt Dilthey was the first botanist to successfully breed the Dufussbird plant in captivity, and before the age of 75 had invented the fly mugger, the guano catcher, and the hound dog lip slicer and dicer. So the fact is they named dingleberries before me. Dear Dr. Dan,

I have worn false teeth for 29 years, since the age of 47. Will this hurt my chances of success in the gay world? I am just coming out.

Dear Teeth,

Not if you slow down and take life one step at a time. Dear Dr. Dan,

How did Fire Island get its name?

Dear Name,

In 1754 the British merchant vessel Santimonious was bringing a shipment of rope to the American colonialists, with which it was hoped they might hang themselves, when suddenly three slaves leaped overboard and swam desparately for shore. The captain alerted his crew by shouting "Fire," knowing this to be the only way to wake them. In 1948 geographers from the Smithsonian Institution proved that the island reached by the slaves was actually Staten Island. By then, of course, it was too late. Dear Dr. Dan,

My parents don't know I'm gay. Last month each of them came to me separately and confessed to leading active homosexual lives. They asked me what to do. Last week my sister fell in love with an Eskimo midwife. She wants me to move to Anchorage and be their surrogate son. Yesterday, my lover's plants all died. He told me to buy him an oak tree. This morning my boss moved my desk away from the water cooler and towards Carmelita Roselita. Who I hate. At this moment, my $2000 Lassa Apso is rubbing against my leg and whining. He's in love with the goddamned spiny anteater across the hall, who won't give him a second look. Please Dr. Dan, should I kill myself or what?

Dear What,

Although I try to answer all reasonable questions in my column, there are some problems which go so deep that only a bona fide psychoanalyst can be of any real help. Under no circumstances should you attempt to deal with any of these problems by yourself. I may as well tell you, however, that anteaters are allergic to cocktail olives. Dear Dr. Dan,

I am sixteen. My sister Arlene is a year younger than myself and has a boyfriend named Buck. I have a girlfriend named Cheryl who is a year older than Buck. My name is Dirk. Cheryl likes girls, while Buck, who is a year younger than my sister, Arlene, is starting to chase boys. Arlene and I, Dirk, play doctor a lot. Which is better, Dr. Dan, homosexuality or incest? And how old is Cheryl?

Dear Dirk,

This case moves me. Although I usually don't accept questions from straight people, yours is a wonderful example in miniature of our whole socioeconomic system, fraught as it is with psycho-somatic and military-industrial miseries. You, Dirk, and Arlene, Buck and Cheryl, are suffering from what I call nervous breakdowns. You are denying yourselves what you really want because you think it may not be good for you, or because you want to learn more before experimenting, or because you seek that deeper understanding which alone can legitimize a true commitment. Nonsense. Sit down with Arlene, Buck and Cheryl, Dirk, and look deeply into one another's eyes. Write down what you see. Tell your guidance counselor at school. Send letters to your local newspaper. Make up limericks and riddles, read Tolstoy, buy telescopes and look for comets. If none of this works, forget it. Cheryl is fifteen. Dear Dr. Dan,

I'm new to New York and for the last month I've been visiting some of the gay organizations in town. Most of them I could understand, but then I went to the Ninth Street Center. First I couldn't understand why they would want to be in such a run-down neighborhood. Next I couldn't understand why everybody stopped talking when their talk groups started. Then I couldn't understand why they were so hostile to the straight world. (They seemed like such misfits!) Finally I couldn't understand it when they asked me to leave. Do you understand it?

Dear It,

I've gotten similar reports about that place. They make people give up sex, talk about how obsessive and repulsive they all are, and read monologs about "polaroid anagrams." Could be a new form of masochism, but I'd give it time to prove itself before getting involved.